Hands down hate it.
No really, I don’t know that you understand. I absolutely hate to fail. I have come to stress over failure. It gives me anxiety to think about failing.
It’s something I have been learning about myself with my career change. God has shown me lots of areas where I am not doing as good as I should. I have learned all sorts of things about my personality, my character traits, and my shortcomings. I have learned that I am an extremely prideful person. That is reflected in my fear of failure.
It’s sort of weird really. If something goes well I have no problem directing all the glory to God, but the reverse is not always true. In my mind if I fail in planning an event, lesson, ministry, etc- I feel like it is a reflection on me and that I am a failure. I know it’s illogical at best, but it’s how Kris is. I’ve come to realize that this attitude is nothing but pride. Truly it’s as Jeremiah 17 says, “The heart is more deceitful than anything else, and incurable — who can understand it?”
It’s something God has been working on me on, to realize that it’s not about me — whether I succeed or fail. I had a chance to stretch a little in that aspect last night.
Because I failed.
But it was glorious!
I took a group of students to Winter Jam (a concert featuring 10 or so Christian artists at Phillips Arena) last night. We left from Monroe at 2:30 to get downtown. We knew it would be crowded, and we were worried about gaining access to the event, and the weather. When we got down there the rain was just starting, and the line was wrapped completely around the building. In spite of all that we felt good about our chances. We found a back door and weren’t too far from the entrance…and were able to stay mostly dry. The line started moving relatively quickly until we got 20 feet from the door. Then it stopped…after a while we were told they were doing a count and were possibly at capacity.
Then it really started raining. Hard.
Thankfully, we were under an overhang and stayed dry. After 30 minutes or so we were told they were at capacity and wouldn’t be letting anymore people in the building. So now I have 25 students who I had promised a great time at this concert who weren’t going to see or hear any of the concert. They had been standing in line for 3 hours, they were cold, they were wet, they were hungry, and they needed to go the bathroom.
And I had failed them.
Do you know one thing they were not? Grumpy.
They had an amazing attitude about it. We decided to hit up the CNN Center for food and head back towards Monroe. We had a great time of fellowship, and truly enjoyed being together. They’re amazing. I can’t believe that I get the opportunity to lead, shepherd, and guide them. They’ll never know what a blessing they are to my life, and the life of my family. I genuinely love those kids.
So I failed.
But it was glorious.
We laughed, we loved, we grew together more. It was great. I don’t know that we had more fun than what we would have had we made it in the doors, but we had a great time.
They’re my favorites.
I Love them.