From a Mama’s Heart

medium_586305185There are so many things that have been running around in our heads over the past several days, some of which I plan on writing about in the coming days, but Brandi wanted to share something from her heart about Karson. Read on…

So, blogging isn’t really my strong suit which is why I generally leave it to Kristopher. However, I really wanted to share some things with you all.

I want to start by thanking all of you for your prayers, messages, groceries, meals, and help with the boys. I’m not sure how families go through a crisis like we experienced without family and friends to help support them. I’m grateful for each of you and the love that you have poured out on our family.

Another thing that I want to share with you is what I think you should expect to see from me in the near future. We are learning a new normal for Karson and our family and that is going to take time. I have been dealing with bouts of anxiety that at times are almost debilitating. Thankfully, I am surrounded by many who are continually speaking truth into my life. However, there are times that even discussing Karson and what happened with him causes me anxiety to the point that breathing is difficult. So, if you have questions and want specifics I ask that you go to Kristopher. I don’t mind you asking how he’s feeling but please don’t ask me for details about his seizures and hospital stay. I hope that this is something that in the future is better controlled but for now this is what I think is best. Please don’t ask the other boys about any of this either as they are each dealing in their own way and discussing it with someone other than Kristopher or I is not in their best interest.

Also, it is highly unlikely that I will be letting Karson leave my sight, aside from him being with Kristopher, for the very near future. Please don’t be offended but instead remember that this is a new normal for us and it is going to take me some time to adjust. Right now I need to be near him or I need to know that his daddy is right with him. This is as much for my peace of mind as it is to assure that Karson is comfortable while he is adjusting to his new medicine and way of life. This is very scary for all of us and I know that each of you understand that.

Lots of you have asked what you can do. My answer is to continue to cover us in prayer. This is not something we will be dealing with for a few days or even a few weeks. This is our new life. Pray for Kar, that he will continue to respond to the meds and that his body will continue to gain energy as he recoups from his hospital stay. Pray that Kristopher and I know what is the best for him and the other boys. And lastly, pray for the other 3 boys as they adjust to the new ways of life for us.

Finally, I want to share how God has worked in me through this. I was absolutely petrified when Karson had his seizure at home Thursday. However, God gave me the ability to handle the situation the best way I knew how and to keep it together until I could get the help we needed. Since that day the anxiety has been hanging like a dark cloud over me. Like I shared, at times it was debilitating to the point that me focusing on breathing was all I could handle. I shared this with a few of you and I know I have been covered in prayer specifically for peace and many of you have spoken truth to me. However, I was still battling extreme moments of anxiety up until yesterday afternoon. Kristopher took Kar to run some errands and Kristopher’s mom was watching the other boys so I could try and rest. I was laying down and the “what ifs” along with the anxiety attempted to take over. I asked God why He wouldn’t allow the peace in my life that I along with many of my friends were asking for. I reminded Him that I have been praying and searching scripture with no real results. Laying there He pushed back on me and told me that while I had done those things I had yet to CHOOSE peace. My first thought was to argue but after thinking for a minute I decided that maybe He was right. I asked for peace, I read scripture about peace but I didn’t choose peace. Choosing peace means relinquishing control. Control that I didn’t really have anyway. So, I decided to choose peace. I finished the day a little less anxious than the days before and I slept better last night than the nights before. Will I be anxious again? It’s very likely but I know now that peace is my choice. God provides it, I have to choose to rest in it.

Thank you for your prayers and thank you for the love you’ve shown my family. I am grateful to have you in our life as we walk this new road.

Brandi

photo credit: kudaker via photopin cc

1 thought on “From a Mama’s Heart”

  1. Brandi,
    Thank you for sharing. I will continue to pray for you. Your words are helpful to me in another way. My granddaughter has mito, so my daughter is her caregiver with very little help since we live 9 hours apart. Your words give me some insight into my daughter’s heart. I plan to spend next week with them, and I truly do not want to cause harm. May God bless you and yours.
    Deborah

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